Lord I'm AMAZED by you

You dance over me 
While I am unaware
You sing all around 
But I never hear a sound.

Lord, I'm amazed by You!
Lord, I'm amazed by You!
Lord, I'm amazed by You, 
how You love me!

How wide, 
How deep, 
How great is Your love for me!


I keep hearing this song. I have it on my iPOD and I always have my iPOD on shuffle, but yesterday it played more than once while my iPOD was on shuffle, and today it just played on Pandora. 
It seems to be a simple reminder of God and His love for me. How He's always there, even when I don't notice. He dances over me, sings around me, and I don't hear Him. 
I'm AMAZED by my God's love for me, even when I choose to be grumpy and ill. 
This weekend after finding out everything with school I pretty much stayed in a pretty ill mood. I did enjoy time with my family. I enjoyed going to homecoming at church, and I always enjoy seeing my nieces and nephew, but I was still pretty bitter. I have been emotionally exhausted since Thursday. 
It took everything in me to come back to Greenville this week because I'm so mad at ECU and so sick of being in school. 
I'm still in a very drained, almost apathetic state. I don't want to be at school and part of me is having a hard time caring about school anymore. I feel like all my effort is gone. 
But then I remember how GREAT my Father's love for me. I remember how He knows ALL things and how even before Thursday when I got that email He knew that I was going to get that email. He knew five years ago that I wouldn't finish school in four years. He KNEW that I'd have this struggle, and yet I still get ill. 
Because I want to know why. I want God to tell me WHY He has me in school this long and why I have to feel like a failure. 
But I'm not a failure. I'm God's. And that makes me someone who Succeeds because I have Jesus. And I can't know all the answers. This isn't the worst thing that could happen to me. This probably isn't the worst thing that WILL happen to me. I've seen worse in my life. But I'm drained. 
Please pray for strength. And for a desire to finish school. Pray for me to remember why I'm here. Pray that I will be HAPPY to be here because God has a reason for it. Pray for my heart to feel joy even when I'm frustrated. 

People are human...but God will never fail

Today I found out something that upset me way more than I thought it would. It upset me more than maybe it even SHOULD have. But regardless it upset me...and is still upsetting me, and I don't know how to really take it or handle it.
Part of me is so bitter. Part of me is feeling screwed over. Where I should be happy, and excited even, I'm disappointed and upset.
My advisor emailed me today asking me why I had never grade replaced my Algebra grade from two years ago. My sophomore year of college I took Algebra and I failed it so my Junior year I took it again and passed with a much better grade. At ECU you are given four grade replacements. Basically, one per year, for any 1000 or 2000 level class. I took Algebra over and turned in my grade-replacement sheet. Thus, registrar SHOULD have replaced my failing grade with my much better grade. However, they did not. Two years later, I find this out.
Most of you know that for the past two years I have been fighting hard to get my GPA where it needs to be to get into Upper Division and to graduate. It has been a battle. I have been blaming myself for not doing well, blaming myself for not trying hard enough because my GPA just wasn't adding up.
Why wasn't my GPA adding up? Because I still had an F on my record. When my advisor emailed me today she then told me she had called registrar and had that done for me. My GPA is now not only where it was supposed to be, but HIGHER than what it was supposed to be. Higher to the point that I could have interviewed and been in upper division maybe even last year. Like...started my Senior 1 last semester and be graduating this semester.
Instead...I missed the August Upper Division Interview, and will not start Senior 1 until next semester after the October interview, and won't start my Internship until next Fall putting me at ECU for two more semesters than necessary.
Am I frustrated?
Very.
Did I cry?
A lot.
Do I blame ECU?
YES.
Should I forgive them?
Yes...
The anger, and the resentment, and the frustration, and the unfair feeling I've had...will go away. Has already started to go away...and I know that God has me at ECU and will use me in some amazing ways.
It's just that I have fought this feeling of embarrassment of even having to be here this long. Fighting the questions of why I'm still here. And all I can say is God has me here...but there's still a jealousy of people who have graduated. That will graduate before me. I still feel like I worked too hard in my life to still be trying to get my Undergrad degree.
So blog readers, I guess I ask for your prayers? I need to find a contentment in this situation. I need to find a peace with it all. And I need to accept that this is where I am despite errors. Because people are human. People will fail me. Have failed me. Will continue to fail me. But God never has and never will.

I ALMOST FORGOT

While updating I forgot to add that THIS BEAUTY turned 3:

And I finally got my date with her =) 

She went from THIS

 to THIS

My how time flies =)

Update Update Update

I'll try to make this as short as possible, but understand that it has been over a month since I last blogged and a lot has happened since then.
So where to begin? I guess where I last left. The National Student Conference was absolutely amazing. Our theme for the week was "Apprentice" and it was on being true disciples of Christ. My most memorable evening was when the speaker asked us to "wrestle" in a spiritual sense with each other. I feel as though our group handled this in a very mature, and helpful way. We basically used constructive criticism to either point out things that may be preventing us from being the best disciple we could be, or things that we COULD be using that we weren't. It was really great and helpful. We had a diverse group of people go, and if we didn't know each other well enough, we knew not to say anything.

Not only was this trip awesome in the spiritual sense, but Jaime Sandlin also met up with us and came home with us! It was wonderful to talk with her, and catch up, and express to her things that God had laid on my heart. She's a beautiful friend who I am so so blessed to know.
After our lovely trip to Indiana my fifth year of school began :). I'm not going to lie, it has been a battle for me to accept that I am in my fifth year and still not even graduating this year. But God has me here and that is how it is. I am taking sixteen hours this semester, which truly isn't a huge load. CCF has begun and it is wonderful. I feel as though I'm back to being fully involved and I love it. I missed being a part of a fellowship near by. I spent a lot of time last year distancing myself from the group of people who meant a lot to me, and this year I want to commit to not only being a part, but investing as well.
The Friday that school started THIS guy also started HIS first day of school :

My PRECIOUS nephew started his first day of Kindergarten and I was there to see him get out of school. He is getting so big so fast. He's so smart...and I'm not biased ;). Really though I'm so proud of him. I've talked to him a few days since he's been in school and for the most part he's stayed on Green which makes me super proud. We have a deal that he has to have good report cards and me and him will have a special day :) I can't wait for that first one. It's just hard to believe he's gone from this

 To This

So He's started school, I've started my fifth year, and things are great. Life is great. I'm enjoying living life. Christ has become my best friend. And I mean that. I have learned how to truly pour my heart out to the LORD the way I would to any person on the earth. 

Last week Connie, CCF's women's ministry assistant, and I sat down to lunch and talked about what it means to be like Christ. What does it truly mean to be like Christ. Not just to follow Him, or to make wise decisions, but to make a conscious decision to think of how Christ would react to things in today's time. So we challenged each other to go into the gospels and ask ourselves how WE would act to those situations, and how we could bring those situations to today. I have started reading Luke and it has been an adventure :)

But before I get to that, I want to tell about this past Labor Day weekend. 

After spending a summer away from Summershine I was able to relive it a little bit by going to Williamsburg for Labor Day to help. I wasn't as excited about it as I thought I would be, but it was truly rewarding. I loved being able to visit with one of my greatest friends, as well as see the Fout Family and help them. It was hard being there and I can't say it wasn't a spiritual battle for me at times through the five days I was there, but it was worth going. I had a great time =)

Back to Luke. I am learning a lot from the book of Luke. It's amazing to see the reminders of Christ being fully Man yet Fully God. I'm amazed of the instances I'm reminded of of all the things that could have been tempting to Him, etc. Christ was man. He lived a life like we live. He was tempted. He had to resist temptation. Yes He was God. But He was inquisitive. He desired to know MORE about God. He prayed. It's been a reminder to me of the walk I should walk. To be like Christ, who was completely Human yet completely sinless. 

Yes Sin has entered the world and that's why Christ entered into it...but to STRIVE for that is what we should do daily. 

Life is good. God is Great. I'm in love with life, and my savior =)

An Apprenticeship with Christ

Every year Campus Christian Fellowship goes to Evansville, Indiana for the National Student Conference. I haven't gone in two years, because I was still doing Summershine last summer when they left. This year I didn't know if I could afford it, and what things would be in my way, so I didn't sign up for it, but yesterday I decided to go! Two days before we leave I decided I was going. I am so excited. God has been tugging at my heart all summer with things He has in store for me, and this is just another thing for me to continue growing and learning in the word. I'm excited for this conference. It's an opportunity to get together with other ministries from across the country and hear the anticipations they have for the school year. It's a time to learn how to be prepared to be a leader not only in your campus ministry, but on campus. It's a time of worship, of scripture, and of hearing God's voice in where He has you for the school year. So hear's to a 10 hour drive (over two days) to Evansville, IN...5 days and 4 nights in USI's dorm rooms....and a straight 10+ hour drive back. All to learn about God's plans as His disciples in the 21st century. Shalom!

Coffee with Jesus

This is exactly what my summer has looked like. Coffee, my journal, and my Lord. More like, Chai Tea...but regardless, my summer has been spent sitting in a coffee shop almost every day for hours on end listening to the voice of the Lord. O how beautiful His voice is. How wonderful it feels to know that truth comes from hearing His voice. Almost 7 weeks ago I came home wondering what in the world the God was doing in my life. I still have no idea, but I'm closer to an understanding of His will in my life. There were points this summer where He spoke and I didn't hear Him. There were points where it was a whisper into my life. And then there were points where the Lord literally SHOUTED words of wisdom and truth. I started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" nearly 5 weeks ago and it has been a journey like no other. I have learned what it means to be obedient to the God of the Universe. My maker. My best friend. He has shown me the obstacles in my life that I have had to break through. The boulders in the road to my Journey with Him. O how beautiful our God is. I'm almost finished with the breaking free bible study, and it has truly been wonderful. Each time I sit down with my Bible and my Journal and it is a breath of fresh air. The verses that God showed Beth Moore, to show the reader who is struggling through life, are perfect. They are clear to what it means to literally break free from the obstacles in one's life. I will be sad when this study is over, but I am excited to continue my regimen of Coffee with my Lord. Just because a Bible study ends does not mean my journey with the Lord ends. It's a daily journey, and it's beautiful.
The Lord is continuing to show me what it means to give Him complete control. Once again my plans have been altered. I thought I was going to make an A in my summer class and be starting into Upper Division this school year. Unfortunately I made a B, and Upper Division is put on hold again. I literally was furious when I found out  my grade. Then God calmed me down, spoke into my life, and said "I know what I am doing, so stop trying to plan your life". Who wants to spend six years in undergraduate school? Well no one, but apparently God has me in school that long, and for a reason. And I'm actually excited to see what God has in store. I am excited to see who it is He has me to meet, or what it is he has me doing. I am frustrated and I would like to be going somewhere else and starting the next step in my life, but He has different plans. His will in my life is quite different from the time-line I started with. The world gives us a time-line, and God breaks it apart.
I truly have no idea what God is doing in my life and where He is going to lead me. I only know that I have to give Him the steering wheel. I don't always LIKE what's going on in my life...but that's why HE is in ultimate control. Not me.

My Girl is THREE

Three years ago THIS little beauty entered the world:

Today we celebrated the three wild, crazy, yet FUN years we have spent with her =) And the years that we will, God willing, have to come.

She was the first niece for me. I have another beautiful niece who we will celebrate HER 3rd birthday in a few  weeks. This is the first time I have been home for Ava's birthday. I'm always out of state. I was so excited to finally be home, and to finally have a special day with her =). Friday we had our first ever special birthday day. 

It was so precious to finally take this beautiful niece of mine out for a day that was all about her. I do it with my nephew every year, and after missing 2 birthdays I was finally blessed enough to spend time with miss Ava Claire. She is the Diva of the 3 grand children. She is spoiled rotten, she has an attitude, but she is sweet and absolutely previous. Just another reason why God brought me home from South Dakota...I finally got a day with my sweet niece for her birthday =)

A few more weeks and I'll get a special day with my other niece, miss Sarah Anne =)