5 Months of hardship?

Where do I begin? I haven't posted since May...and since then I feel like my life has taken a dramatic turn. The summer was full of a lot of things. I realized some things, like who my real friends are--I had a great month in June--I made new friends, but in July my life as I knew it ended.
In the past 5 months I can remember one REALLY good moment--it was July 10th...the last day I ever got to speak to my very best friend.
June 29th my Grandma send me my very last card...because she went into the hospital that night...and she never went back home.
I don't mean to make this post dramatic--in fact I don't even know that I really have readers of my blog anymore...but I only want to be honest.
July 1st my Grandma had a heart catheterization that turned my whole world around. For the 3rd time in 10 years the Dr. decided to do the catheterization through my Grandma's groin, knowing that the previous two times did not turn out well.
What they found while doing the catheterization was that she would require open heart surgery, but in this process my Grandmother started to internally bleed and was put on heavy sedatives.
She bled out 5 pints of blood into her stomach--and for about a week she was under heavy sedation where she was pretty much unresponsive. The first time I saw her like this I prayed and prayed for God to make my Grandma okay. I had this STRONG faith that my Grandmother was going to wake up, recover, and be okay for the next 10 or 20 years--that she would be strong and have her open heart surgery and I was going to have my Grandmother around for a lot longer.
A week after seeing her under Sedatives I felt like my prayers were answered. She had woken up, she was herself, while she could not really talk her personality was there. I felt like July 10th was an amazing day--I ran to her and embraced her and kissed her all over and I did not want to leave her side.
I went back to Greenville on July 11th after I heard they had moved her, she had eaten some pudding, and was doing well, only to receive a call after getting back to Greenville saying she was going back on the respirator and things weren't looking good.
To me, this meant she was just having a hard time breathing, but as I was told to come back to Raleigh I knew something else was wrong.
My best friend Katie and I road to Raleigh and as I headed there my Mother called to tell me that she had 8 hours to live, but when I arrived in Raleigh she was already gone.
Why do I tell the whole story? I don't really know--but that night my faith in God changed.
Not for the better.
My best friend--my wall--my warrior was gone. She was my prayer warrior, she was my shoulder to cry on and lean on, she was the one who held me together so I could hold everyone else together--and when she left I shattered.
I'd like to say I rejoiced in knowing my Grandma was out of pain and with her savior.
And for maybe a day or so I did. I had a peace for a few days that my Grandma was okay and with the Lord and out of pain--and that held me together at the funeral...but as life progressed without her my faith in God started to diminish--the woman who always turned me to the Lord was gone.
I'd like to say things have gotten better.
What can I say? I miss her. But I would never be selfish in bringing her back to this world where she would still be in pain.
I would never bring her away from paradise just so I could be okay.
I'd like to say I'm okay--but I can't say that.
Some days I'm okay. Some days I'm really held together--other days I'm a mess.
On the outside I'm still okay. On the inside I'm still battling.
The school year has gone well--I finished my first semester interning, I've continued to enjoy my friendship with my roommates who I pray are forever friends. I've definitely learned who my real friends are.
Through all of this though I feel like i've lost myself. I'm not who I was 5 months ago--as much as it pains me to admit that.
A part of me left.
I can't find my way back--I am watching myself from somewhere else and wondering WHY I can't just get back to where I was.
I've gotten comfortable in my apathy.
I don't know that I'll continue this blog--I simply have to admit that life as I knew it is no longer that life. I continue to talk to God in hopes that I can get back to where I was.
I miss things--but there are walls.
Christmas is here and it's the first HUGE holiday with out Grandma. But I know she's having a much better Christmas.
I'm about to start my every days as an intern and I don't have her to call.
I'll graduate--and she won't be there.
But I know she's here in spirit.
I still get to talk with my Granddaddy who I adore--who prays for me daily that I will grow back to the Lord.
I am blessed to have an amazing man of God in my life to pray for me--He's now my prayer warrior.
I hate disappointing him, and we talk...
Christmas eve I will spend the night with him and make him Breakfast Christmas morning before going to church with him.
Life's different.
And I don't know how to change that.

Surrendering fully

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be freeI know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

This morning I was listening to my iPod and this is the song that really stuck out to me. It's by Barlow Girl, and I think the meaning of it is so strong. How often do we say we're going to give something to God, and then decide not to? We feel like the things that need to be surrendered are what make us who we are. They're our "dreams"...they're a part of us. They make us unique, even if the things we need to surrender are bad for us.
I'm talking to myself here too. It's so much easier said than done. There are things I have said have been surrendered, but really I still hold on to these things for dear life....
Our futures...Different addictions....situations that are out of our control. I remember this summer at the conference I went to in Indiana one of the work shop leaders told us that there is no blue print for our life. That...if we live our lives for the future we are looking to ourselves, but if we live day to day--then we start giving up to God and then He will reveal His great plan to us.
Like I said...so much easier said than done...but it's possible.

Is God simply a convenience?

So the past few days I've done a lot of thinking. I was really having a hard time with some things...and just feeling like crap...feeling like sometimes people are only friends with me when it's convenient.

But this morning as I was doing my quiet time I was praying and I was writing in my journal...and I realized it had been over a week since I'd done my quiet time. And as I was apologizing to God for not spending time with Him, something popped into my head--I spend time with God when it's convenient for me.

It's like God is trying to teach me something....the way I feel sometimes about my friends....is the way He feels all the time with us. A lot of the time I do only make God a convenience. I pray when I have time. I read when it's good for me. And as much as I get my feelings hurt for feeling like a convenience....God is hurt by us also.

It's just cool sometimes how God can show us things when we're being so self-centered. I was being selfish and It was all about "me me me"--but God said "wait a minute....it's really about me! The CREATOR of YOU"

And to add on to all of this...today in my Beth Moore study it talked about God's timing being perfect....And indeed...God's timing IS perfect.