Thursday night I went to see an on campus movie with Ryann, and when we got out of the movie I was getting something out of my trunk and accidentally locked my keys in my trunk. My trunk lever in my car doesn't work, trying to pick my lock wasn't working, so we had no idea what to do. Then Josh Pake and Ryne ran into us and actually ended up at midnight Thursday night driving Ryann and I to Rocky Mount to get my spare key to my car. What an adventure. I now know to always have a spare key with me or in reach somehow.
Friday night Ryann, Wesley and I went to Raleigh for First Friday's downtown. It's a huge art exhibit and event that Raleigh puts on every first Friday. It was a lot of fun. We enjoyed walking around the exhibits, watchin fire dancers, and listening to the band. We then at 11:30 Friday evening went to PF Changs...if anyone knows me they know that is probably my favorite restraunt, and I now know it's also Ryann's favorite...it was Wesley's first experience, and I'd say it was a good first experience for him =).
When we got back to Greenville Wes, Ryann and I stayed up and watched "The office" and attempted to stay up to watch the sunrise, only to fall asleep at 5:30. Whoops. I got up at 9:30 and drove home.
After hanging out my weekend turned into a weekend of me and God. It was a really convicting time. I've been having a hard time and I guess didn't even realize it. I haven't spent time in the word. I have gone from really spending time with the Lord and enjoying coffee with my savior to not spending time with him at all. I've reverted back to looking to people for things...and struggling BADLY with wanting to turn to an old habit of mine. After spending time alone, I discovered even more the things I don't like about myself--and by discovering things I don't like about myself I have had a hard time with myself....really having a hard time of even being AROUND myself but...you can't really get AWAY from yourself...so I've been struggling badly.
I started to listen to music, still not really reading my bible. BUT the songs were songs I really needed to hear.
One of the songs is called "Desperate" by Fireflight and the chorus is
"I know You hear me,Would You give me a sign? Reel me in before I've fallen in line.You've put me on a path I don't understand I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.
You've got me desperate (do You see me?) Desperate (do You hear me?) Desperate (will You help me?) You've got me desperate."
These words were like how I feel RIGHT now...I feel like I KNOW God hears me. I know he knows my needs. I know he sees me but I feel like I'm not getting a response from him and I'm desperate for His response.
Then I heard "By My side" and "Love is here" which were words I desperately needed to be reminded of....God loves me. He's here for me. He IS here....Next to me....Holding me....LISTENING to me....
And currently I'm listening to Pandora and two more songs came on that I needed to hear. One being "Have you ever" by Shawn McDonald and the part that stuck out to me was
" Have you ever wanted to be someone else
Have you ever wanted just to be someone
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems
I have tasted of a love so wide"
...I guess these words stuck out to me because I am having a hard time once again with ME...my problems are pretty ME centered right now and I'm having a hard time where I am...
The last song was
"You know my name" by Detour180
Help me remember the reason I’m alive
And that I was on your mind the day you died
Help me imagine, this is not my home
And some day I’ll be resting by your side
Help me remember the day you won my heart
And you paid my way to freedom with your love
Help me imagine the beauty of this gift
A grace that I am so unworthy of
But you’ll never let me fall away from you
Chorus:
You know my name
You know my story
Still you’ve taken on the world
Just for me
I am amazed that you hear me speaking
You listen close to every word I say
Who am I to be loved this way?
You know my name
If I rise, if I fall
My only hope is this
That you’d be with me everyday
Who am I to be loved this way?
These lyrics were just a beautiful reminder of the love God has for me. He knows my name. I was on His mind the day he died for me. He listens intently to everything I say...and He does know more than I do and knows what is best for my life
Life's hard right now, I'm not going to lie. I'm in a valley--and it's a long one that I'd like to be finding a mountain soon.
God still loves me though.
2 comments:
Funny thing is when I found my ipod, my joy dance caused me to knock my bible off the desk and it was opened to a page in Philippians where I have a picture of you and me because that days devotion reminds me of you. Then I sat down and read this and realized you actually need to hear the pages from where your page rests in my bible.
So to this post I just say, trust me, I know what you mean! Knowing that God hears you but not receiving a response, it sucks! Really it is frustrating! But, when I get down with the fact that my life doesn't add up like I think it should, I always remind myself that GOD is NEAR, His promise is TRUE, and then I PRESS FORWARD. Never without a little help from his word. Moments like this take me back to Philippians 3 and 4. You should reread it.
Even more importantly you should remind yourself of how special you are, how beautiful you are, so much so that the world can't even fathom it! So press forward my dear little sister. Don't allow the distractions of this world pull you away from the ONE who knows all about that same beauty and loves you infinity! The one who created you so that others of us could be blessed just by knowing you, there is NOTHING bigger in this world NOTHING that even compares to how much he loves you. With that being said, the rest of it just seems meaningless;)
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