Welcome To The Masquerade...

"I'm not afraid, I'm not ashamed, I'm not to blame, I'm not okay, Welcome to the masquerade"~Thousand Foot Krutch

Look up the song above...I heard it for the first time in concert about a month ago.

I'm not posting the lyrics simply to say look them up. I'm posting them to say it's true in my life right now. And I may be completely taking it out of context but I'm putting it where it is in my life. I am not afraid to live my life in a way that will honor my heavenly father. I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ...I am not to blame (or maybe I am)...I'm NOT okay. All these emotions have been running through my mind the past few weeks. So welcome to the masquerade. Welcome to the show...where I put on a front (or do I?)
Welcome to my life. Welcome to the reality that I have been back at school for two months and my focus has been two things...school, and God.
God first.
He has brought me out of so many things in my life. He has taught me to rely completely on Him. He has shown me that he is the only real constant in my life. He has placed AMAZING people in my life, who even though they live hours away from me, mean SO MUCH to me. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ. They lift me up and make me realize my importance in this life. They help me remember my importance in Christ and my significance.
These friends bring me back to reality...and help me stop having pity parties. Praise be to God for placing these friends in my life.
School.
I honestly can't say it's the most enjoyable thing in my life right now. It's frustrating. I keep being reminded that I'm not graduating this May....when I was in High School I was supposed to graduate college in four years and become an amazing teacher and change the world.
That was High School and that was far from reality...it was my fantasy I had created in my head.
Seven years after starting high school and four years into college I realize it's not the years that will make the difference but the knowledge I gain. Whether it takes me four years...or five.
I'm still not enjoying school, though. A lot of things have been frustrating me this semester...and I know that it is all God teaching me to continue to rely on Him. It is God telling me to remember that even though school is important and I am where I am for a purpose...He has the plan set out.
I'm not sure where God has me after college. I'm not sure if it's grad school, or if it's serving Him in a different way.
I'm not sure what I want to do with my life.
I'm not sure WHY I am in Greenville and why I'm so unhappy where I am...
but I am sure of one thing. God knows ALL of those answers.

Where am I going with all of this?? I feel as though maybe I have been keeping a mask on. I've been staying away from people who I don't want to really be back in my life...and I've only been letting certain things out to other friends.
I miss a lot of things...I yearn for and desire to have a lot of things...but I also desire to please my heavenly Father.
I have to let go, and let God.
I have to stop trying and start living.
I have to give it all to God and not just part of it...I have to smile, and be joyous, and accept the grace God has given me. I am so undeserving...but that's why it's called Grace.
So here I am. Ultimately broken. Desiring nothing more than to be who God has called me to be. I hurt...I struggle...but I want to be Gods. So here's to listening...here's to giving up myself and taking on God's call.
Here's to taking off the mask...and really being broken before God.
Here's to the life God has set out for me...
and here's to right now.