Where do I begin? I haven't posted since May...and since then I feel like my life has taken a dramatic turn. The summer was full of a lot of things. I realized some things, like who my real friends are--I had a great month in June--I made new friends, but in July my life as I knew it ended.
In the past 5 months I can remember one REALLY good moment--it was July 10th...the last day I ever got to speak to my very best friend.
June 29th my Grandma send me my very last card...because she went into the hospital that night...and she never went back home.
I don't mean to make this post dramatic--in fact I don't even know that I really have readers of my blog anymore...but I only want to be honest.
July 1st my Grandma had a heart catheterization that turned my whole world around. For the 3rd time in 10 years the Dr. decided to do the catheterization through my Grandma's groin, knowing that the previous two times did not turn out well.
What they found while doing the catheterization was that she would require open heart surgery, but in this process my Grandmother started to internally bleed and was put on heavy sedatives.
She bled out 5 pints of blood into her stomach--and for about a week she was under heavy sedation where she was pretty much unresponsive. The first time I saw her like this I prayed and prayed for God to make my Grandma okay. I had this STRONG faith that my Grandmother was going to wake up, recover, and be okay for the next 10 or 20 years--that she would be strong and have her open heart surgery and I was going to have my Grandmother around for a lot longer.
A week after seeing her under Sedatives I felt like my prayers were answered. She had woken up, she was herself, while she could not really talk her personality was there. I felt like July 10th was an amazing day--I ran to her and embraced her and kissed her all over and I did not want to leave her side.
I went back to Greenville on July 11th after I heard they had moved her, she had eaten some pudding, and was doing well, only to receive a call after getting back to Greenville saying she was going back on the respirator and things weren't looking good.
To me, this meant she was just having a hard time breathing, but as I was told to come back to Raleigh I knew something else was wrong.
My best friend Katie and I road to Raleigh and as I headed there my Mother called to tell me that she had 8 hours to live, but when I arrived in Raleigh she was already gone.
Why do I tell the whole story? I don't really know--but that night my faith in God changed.
Not for the better.
My best friend--my wall--my warrior was gone. She was my prayer warrior, she was my shoulder to cry on and lean on, she was the one who held me together so I could hold everyone else together--and when she left I shattered.
I'd like to say I rejoiced in knowing my Grandma was out of pain and with her savior.
And for maybe a day or so I did. I had a peace for a few days that my Grandma was okay and with the Lord and out of pain--and that held me together at the funeral...but as life progressed without her my faith in God started to diminish--the woman who always turned me to the Lord was gone.
I'd like to say things have gotten better.
What can I say? I miss her. But I would never be selfish in bringing her back to this world where she would still be in pain.
I would never bring her away from paradise just so I could be okay.
I'd like to say I'm okay--but I can't say that.
Some days I'm okay. Some days I'm really held together--other days I'm a mess.
On the outside I'm still okay. On the inside I'm still battling.
The school year has gone well--I finished my first semester interning, I've continued to enjoy my friendship with my roommates who I pray are forever friends. I've definitely learned who my real friends are.
Through all of this though I feel like i've lost myself. I'm not who I was 5 months ago--as much as it pains me to admit that.
A part of me left.
I can't find my way back--I am watching myself from somewhere else and wondering WHY I can't just get back to where I was.
I've gotten comfortable in my apathy.
I don't know that I'll continue this blog--I simply have to admit that life as I knew it is no longer that life. I continue to talk to God in hopes that I can get back to where I was.
I miss things--but there are walls.
Christmas is here and it's the first HUGE holiday with out Grandma. But I know she's having a much better Christmas.
I'm about to start my every days as an intern and I don't have her to call.
I'll graduate--and she won't be there.
But I know she's here in spirit.
I still get to talk with my Granddaddy who I adore--who prays for me daily that I will grow back to the Lord.
I am blessed to have an amazing man of God in my life to pray for me--He's now my prayer warrior.
I hate disappointing him, and we talk...
Christmas eve I will spend the night with him and make him Breakfast Christmas morning before going to church with him.
Life's different.
And I don't know how to change that.
December 22, 2011
May 16, 2011
An amazing semester ended...and a new summer has begun
Ooo where to begin...
I just ended my 10th, yes 10th, semester in college. It had it's up and downs...but over all this school year in general was one of the best years of my life.
Despite my frustrations with being in school for so long, I think I've come to realize why God has me here still...and that is because I finally figured out who I am and I made amazing friends who I never would have met other wise. I was able to spend another semester with CCF, and meet new people who I honestly believe are life-time friends.
I finished the semester with a job that I never thought I would have again--Fred's Food club. It isn't working with Children and I have to work with annoying customers almost every day--but it's a job that I am blessed to have.
I made Dean's list again, proudly--even though I thought I was on the road to Chancellor's list this time around.
Life's not perfect--but no one's is...yet I praise my God for the life He's given me.
Because of another year in school I became friends with one of our Freshman girls....Lauren. She's a wonderful person that I am blessed to know and I look forward to the coming semester that I will get to help her plan events for CCF...she lives in Norfolk, VA and this weekend I was able to go up and visit her and go to the Greek Festival with her and her family.
I left work Saturday evening at 7 and got to her house around or close to 10...we stayed up until 4 a.m Sunday morning talking about life, and God...and then got up for church and ventured to the Greek fest where we had amazing food and a great time. We left the Greek fest and had a lazy Sunday afternoon watching "Glee" and then going to the local coffee shop with her brother where we had amazing coffee and played chess and checkers for a few hours before we headed back to her house and talked more and watched "The Princess Bride" with her family--ending our night talking again until about 2 A.M...the fact that our conversations usually always revolve around what God's doing is what makes our friendship awesome. Her family is awesome and they're a blessing to visit.
I look forward to more visits to Norfolk this summer, while I still live in Greenville and work and pray for God to show me why I am in Greenville for the summer instead of serving him elsewhere. I know He is sovereign and He has a purpose for all things. =)
To end with some pictures from the weekend
Yummy Greek Food (Gyro, Greek beans and rice)
I just ended my 10th, yes 10th, semester in college. It had it's up and downs...but over all this school year in general was one of the best years of my life.
Despite my frustrations with being in school for so long, I think I've come to realize why God has me here still...and that is because I finally figured out who I am and I made amazing friends who I never would have met other wise. I was able to spend another semester with CCF, and meet new people who I honestly believe are life-time friends.
I finished the semester with a job that I never thought I would have again--Fred's Food club. It isn't working with Children and I have to work with annoying customers almost every day--but it's a job that I am blessed to have.
I made Dean's list again, proudly--even though I thought I was on the road to Chancellor's list this time around.
Life's not perfect--but no one's is...yet I praise my God for the life He's given me.
Because of another year in school I became friends with one of our Freshman girls....Lauren. She's a wonderful person that I am blessed to know and I look forward to the coming semester that I will get to help her plan events for CCF...she lives in Norfolk, VA and this weekend I was able to go up and visit her and go to the Greek Festival with her and her family.
I left work Saturday evening at 7 and got to her house around or close to 10...we stayed up until 4 a.m Sunday morning talking about life, and God...and then got up for church and ventured to the Greek fest where we had amazing food and a great time. We left the Greek fest and had a lazy Sunday afternoon watching "Glee" and then going to the local coffee shop with her brother where we had amazing coffee and played chess and checkers for a few hours before we headed back to her house and talked more and watched "The Princess Bride" with her family--ending our night talking again until about 2 A.M...the fact that our conversations usually always revolve around what God's doing is what makes our friendship awesome. Her family is awesome and they're a blessing to visit.
I look forward to more visits to Norfolk this summer, while I still live in Greenville and work and pray for God to show me why I am in Greenville for the summer instead of serving him elsewhere. I know He is sovereign and He has a purpose for all things. =)
To end with some pictures from the weekend
Yummy Greek Food (Gyro, Greek beans and rice)
Lauren and I enjoying our yummyyyyy Greek Food
Yummy Loukoumades cooking and then being eaten by US! They are fried bread with honey, sesame seeds, and cinnoman.
Borjo Coffee, and Lauren and I enjoying it =)
March 11, 2011
Lord Uncover my Eyes
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:35-40
This past week I went with 13 other people from CCF to Washington DC where we worked with the Center for Student Missions. In 5 short days my perspective was changed. I was going to serve, and I was served instead. In 5 short days my LIFE was changed, because God unveiled my eyes to the things He loves.
We got there Saturday and we spent Saturday touring DC. It was a lot of fun to see where our Country is run. I remember going when I was little, but back then seeing DC wasn't quite as exciting as it is now.
Sunday morning we got up and went to breakfast and then we went to the Jefferson Memorial where we did our devotion on the stairs. There was something about reading God's word and praying on the steps of a national monument that gave me a thrill. The whole idea of separation of church and state was almost diminished as we learned what it means to serve God's people.
The rest of Sunday was spent touring DC again. I spent most of my time with a few other people touring the art museums, which were gorgeous. Sunday was slightly miserable because it was pouring down rain and at the end of the day my group was drenched, but it was still fun =)
That evening our group leader took us to an Indian restaraunt which was super yummy. After dinner we did a prayer drive around DC. We learned a lot about the statistics of DC, and learned a new word..."Gentrification". This is the term used when wealthier people acquire property in lower income parts of town. They basically move in and try to rebuild that area. It is supposed to be a positive aspect however a lot of the homeless people view it as negative.
Most of the places to live in DC could easily cost $60,000 a year. Basically unless you're working 2 or 3 full time jobs it is ridiculously hard to live in DC. Most of DC's population is workers who commute from VA or Maryland.
Monday morning we went to Central Union Mission which is a Men's home in DC. It is Christian based and has a program that the men go through to better their lives and learn to love the way God loves. We helped do chores there like dispersing soap, making beds, loading trucks, etc. We didn't really get to talk with a lot of the men who live there but we were able to see the environment they live in. We went on a prayer walk around the area and prayed for the people there.
After leaving Central Union Mission we were taken to separate parts of DC where we did an "Urban Plunge". Between the 14 of us we were dispersed into 3 groups. We were all given challenges. My group had 5 people and we had $2 a piece to buy lunch for ourselves and have enough money left over to buy and share lunch with a homeless person. We were also challenged to use our resources to learn what it's like to be homeless in the area we were in. We were in the Eastern Market area of DC which is close to Capital Hill. It's a very wealthy part of DC so finding resourced for homeless people was really hard. We had four hours to share lunch with a homeless person, find out about a thing called a brethren nutrition plan, find out where we would stay at night, where we could find a blanket/clothes/sleeping bag, and where we could hang out during the day when we weren't in the homeless shelter since most shelters close at 7 AM and re open at night. We started to become overly frustrated and discouraged at one point because we really weren't meeting anyone or finding out any information. We went to the local library where we found out what the brethren nutrtion program is, but shelters aren't in any viscinity to Eastern Market...the closest shelters are going back into DC. We went to buy lunch at a Quizno's where we bought a footlong sub for the 5 of us, and a half a sub and cup of chili for the homeless person we hoped to share it with. While in Quizno's a homeless man came in asking us for food, and we offered to eat with him. He didn't want to sit and eat with us and he left. When we left there we really became discouraged. We finally decided we needed to pray and allow God to lead. When we did that we finally got the courage to talk to a man named Marcus who has been homeless for a couple of years. Kellar and I offered him our food (because at this point we were about an hour from eating dinner) and found out it was the first meal he had that day. We prayed for him and he asked us to pray for his salvation. When we left we realized in the midst of our frustration we had actually learned a lot. We learned that our plan is not always God's plan, and that as prideful as the homeless were in that area we were also prideful.
The other two groups had very different experiences, but we all had fun.
After that our leader took us to a Thai restaurant which was absolutely delicious. She told me they try to eat where the businesses might be falling. We then went back to the church and on the way we offered our leftovers to some homeless people we saw on the way (who didn't take it).
Tuesday morning was an early morning, making Tuesday very long, but very good. We got up around 4:15 to be ready by 5 and headed to a place called "Charlie's Place" which is a church that serves Breakfast to homeless men in the area. We also separated clothes and gave what we could to the men in need.
While serving breakfast we had the opportunity to mingle with the men and talk with them. I met a guy named Byron who told me about how he became homeless. He's been homeless for 5 years and said he actually had a good job before. He had a really negative view of Gentrification because he could not afford the housing in DC. He felt like all the rich people were coming in and pushing the homeless away. He was a really positive guy who said he was going to get out of his situation soon.
While we were at Charlie's place, 5 girls from James Madison University came in. They were in DC doing a 48 hour challenge of being homeless. They slept on the street for 2 nights, and lived with the homeless. I talked with one girl who said it's an experience that we should all try once. We never know when we could lose our jobs, or not be able to afford something.
Sadly most of the men I talked with had families, but weren't connected with them. The thing I realized is that if I were to ever be in need my family would help me. I may not have the luxuries I have now, but I know I would have a place to live.
After Charlie's place we went to a coffee shop called Ebenezer's, which puts part of it's proceeds to help people in other countries. They also have a church down stairs, and 10 satellite churches in the DC area. We did our devotion there, and then did a prayer walk around town. After our prayer walk we went to Casa Chirilagua in Alexandria, VA. We met a woman who talked with us about how Casa Chirilagua was started, and the kids club there. It is an intentional community in an El Salvadorian community. We learned about what the Bible says about immigration and the homeless, and how we are called to help them. We learned about the immigrants in the area and the hardships they have. After we did the bible study and walked around the area, we went to the kids club and helped the 4th and 5th graders with their homework. We had such an amazing time in this area, and it was probably my favorite part of the trip.
When we left there we had dinner at an El Salvadorian restaurant, and then debriefed at the Cathedral. We talked about the hardest parts and best parts. We really grew as a team, and it was evident Tuesday evening.
Wednesday morning we woke up and packed and then we went to an elderly community and cleaned the houses of a couple and a widow. My group worked with the Widow, Ms. Jean. She is 90 years old and has lived in the same place for over 60 years. She talked about her family and we enjoyed spending time with her.
We then packed up, had lunch, and headed home.
I know this is a lot but it's because it WAS a lot. I learned that if I am not serving the people that I am called to serve, I am in sin. God has called us to love everyone...not to judge...and to take these veils of judgement and prejudice off of our eyes and realize homeless and widows and elderly and those in need are no different than us.
I have taken this as a challenge to really serve those in my community, and to get to know people so I can help them.
God is so good!
This past week I went with 13 other people from CCF to Washington DC where we worked with the Center for Student Missions. In 5 short days my perspective was changed. I was going to serve, and I was served instead. In 5 short days my LIFE was changed, because God unveiled my eyes to the things He loves.
We got there Saturday and we spent Saturday touring DC. It was a lot of fun to see where our Country is run. I remember going when I was little, but back then seeing DC wasn't quite as exciting as it is now.
Sunday morning we got up and went to breakfast and then we went to the Jefferson Memorial where we did our devotion on the stairs. There was something about reading God's word and praying on the steps of a national monument that gave me a thrill. The whole idea of separation of church and state was almost diminished as we learned what it means to serve God's people.
The rest of Sunday was spent touring DC again. I spent most of my time with a few other people touring the art museums, which were gorgeous. Sunday was slightly miserable because it was pouring down rain and at the end of the day my group was drenched, but it was still fun =)
That evening our group leader took us to an Indian restaraunt which was super yummy. After dinner we did a prayer drive around DC. We learned a lot about the statistics of DC, and learned a new word..."Gentrification". This is the term used when wealthier people acquire property in lower income parts of town. They basically move in and try to rebuild that area. It is supposed to be a positive aspect however a lot of the homeless people view it as negative.
Most of the places to live in DC could easily cost $60,000 a year. Basically unless you're working 2 or 3 full time jobs it is ridiculously hard to live in DC. Most of DC's population is workers who commute from VA or Maryland.
Monday morning we went to Central Union Mission which is a Men's home in DC. It is Christian based and has a program that the men go through to better their lives and learn to love the way God loves. We helped do chores there like dispersing soap, making beds, loading trucks, etc. We didn't really get to talk with a lot of the men who live there but we were able to see the environment they live in. We went on a prayer walk around the area and prayed for the people there.
After leaving Central Union Mission we were taken to separate parts of DC where we did an "Urban Plunge". Between the 14 of us we were dispersed into 3 groups. We were all given challenges. My group had 5 people and we had $2 a piece to buy lunch for ourselves and have enough money left over to buy and share lunch with a homeless person. We were also challenged to use our resources to learn what it's like to be homeless in the area we were in. We were in the Eastern Market area of DC which is close to Capital Hill. It's a very wealthy part of DC so finding resourced for homeless people was really hard. We had four hours to share lunch with a homeless person, find out about a thing called a brethren nutrition plan, find out where we would stay at night, where we could find a blanket/clothes/sleeping bag, and where we could hang out during the day when we weren't in the homeless shelter since most shelters close at 7 AM and re open at night. We started to become overly frustrated and discouraged at one point because we really weren't meeting anyone or finding out any information. We went to the local library where we found out what the brethren nutrtion program is, but shelters aren't in any viscinity to Eastern Market...the closest shelters are going back into DC. We went to buy lunch at a Quizno's where we bought a footlong sub for the 5 of us, and a half a sub and cup of chili for the homeless person we hoped to share it with. While in Quizno's a homeless man came in asking us for food, and we offered to eat with him. He didn't want to sit and eat with us and he left. When we left there we really became discouraged. We finally decided we needed to pray and allow God to lead. When we did that we finally got the courage to talk to a man named Marcus who has been homeless for a couple of years. Kellar and I offered him our food (because at this point we were about an hour from eating dinner) and found out it was the first meal he had that day. We prayed for him and he asked us to pray for his salvation. When we left we realized in the midst of our frustration we had actually learned a lot. We learned that our plan is not always God's plan, and that as prideful as the homeless were in that area we were also prideful.
The other two groups had very different experiences, but we all had fun.
After that our leader took us to a Thai restaurant which was absolutely delicious. She told me they try to eat where the businesses might be falling. We then went back to the church and on the way we offered our leftovers to some homeless people we saw on the way (who didn't take it).
Tuesday morning was an early morning, making Tuesday very long, but very good. We got up around 4:15 to be ready by 5 and headed to a place called "Charlie's Place" which is a church that serves Breakfast to homeless men in the area. We also separated clothes and gave what we could to the men in need.
While serving breakfast we had the opportunity to mingle with the men and talk with them. I met a guy named Byron who told me about how he became homeless. He's been homeless for 5 years and said he actually had a good job before. He had a really negative view of Gentrification because he could not afford the housing in DC. He felt like all the rich people were coming in and pushing the homeless away. He was a really positive guy who said he was going to get out of his situation soon.
While we were at Charlie's place, 5 girls from James Madison University came in. They were in DC doing a 48 hour challenge of being homeless. They slept on the street for 2 nights, and lived with the homeless. I talked with one girl who said it's an experience that we should all try once. We never know when we could lose our jobs, or not be able to afford something.
Sadly most of the men I talked with had families, but weren't connected with them. The thing I realized is that if I were to ever be in need my family would help me. I may not have the luxuries I have now, but I know I would have a place to live.
After Charlie's place we went to a coffee shop called Ebenezer's, which puts part of it's proceeds to help people in other countries. They also have a church down stairs, and 10 satellite churches in the DC area. We did our devotion there, and then did a prayer walk around town. After our prayer walk we went to Casa Chirilagua in Alexandria, VA. We met a woman who talked with us about how Casa Chirilagua was started, and the kids club there. It is an intentional community in an El Salvadorian community. We learned about what the Bible says about immigration and the homeless, and how we are called to help them. We learned about the immigrants in the area and the hardships they have. After we did the bible study and walked around the area, we went to the kids club and helped the 4th and 5th graders with their homework. We had such an amazing time in this area, and it was probably my favorite part of the trip.
When we left there we had dinner at an El Salvadorian restaurant, and then debriefed at the Cathedral. We talked about the hardest parts and best parts. We really grew as a team, and it was evident Tuesday evening.
Wednesday morning we woke up and packed and then we went to an elderly community and cleaned the houses of a couple and a widow. My group worked with the Widow, Ms. Jean. She is 90 years old and has lived in the same place for over 60 years. She talked about her family and we enjoyed spending time with her.
We then packed up, had lunch, and headed home.
I know this is a lot but it's because it WAS a lot. I learned that if I am not serving the people that I am called to serve, I am in sin. God has called us to love everyone...not to judge...and to take these veils of judgement and prejudice off of our eyes and realize homeless and widows and elderly and those in need are no different than us.
I have taken this as a challenge to really serve those in my community, and to get to know people so I can help them.
God is so good!
January 21, 2011
Who knew?
...Cleaning out and organizing one's closet can help with the "Letting Go" process.
Today I decided to take part of my Friday to clean and organize my room. My closet definitely needed to be cleaned out, so I could ADD more to it! I've lived in this apartment for two years...so my closet held two years of memories.
As I cleaned, a LOT of those memories came flooding back to me...some good, some not so great. Tears came to my eyes...and I decided to "trash" a lot of stuff. Holding on to the stuff wasn't going to keep the memories there. I will always remember things in my life...throwing "stuff" away isn't going to erase those memories...but in a way I think it is a part of my "letting go" and "moving on" process.
To start, I've been trying hard to let go of Summershine. That might seem weird...As I've been trying to figure out what my summer will look like this summer, I've contemplated where God might have me...and Summershine kept flashing into my mind. Should I do it? Is it over for me? Would I even be able to do it? And as I've contemplated and prayed over this I've had other people speak their own opinions and wisdom into my life, without me really even asking for it, and they gave me the answers I needed. Summershine is a chapter in my life that needs to be closed. Two years ago I had an amazing summer in Williamsburg, VA...this past summer wasn't that great, but it was a chapter in my life and that chapter should end.
So today, as I cleaned out my closet, I came across my KOA shirts and my papers from my first Summershine orientation, and my stuff from this past summer...Magazines from my first summer, a water bottle (that grossly enough still had water in it from my summer two years ago)...and a few other little items...and as I said goodbye Summershine, I said goodbye to these items. I let go.
I also came across other items I've been holding on to...from school, etc...and I threw those things away as well. I can't tell you how many times I had to go to the dumpster today to carry stuff to the trash...it wasn't all KOA stuff, it was stuff that held on to some painful memories...stuff that was enjoyable but pointless also...and as all this stuff went into the dumpster I saw my closet clear out and I felt my heart lighten a little.
Whether I realized it or not, those "things" I was holding on to that I never even looked at still held a burden on my heart.
Throwing them away was good. The memories, like I said, will always stay, but the stuff is gone. I'm letting go. It's a freeing thing :).
Who knew some freedom could come from cleaning?
Today I decided to take part of my Friday to clean and organize my room. My closet definitely needed to be cleaned out, so I could ADD more to it! I've lived in this apartment for two years...so my closet held two years of memories.
As I cleaned, a LOT of those memories came flooding back to me...some good, some not so great. Tears came to my eyes...and I decided to "trash" a lot of stuff. Holding on to the stuff wasn't going to keep the memories there. I will always remember things in my life...throwing "stuff" away isn't going to erase those memories...but in a way I think it is a part of my "letting go" and "moving on" process.
To start, I've been trying hard to let go of Summershine. That might seem weird...As I've been trying to figure out what my summer will look like this summer, I've contemplated where God might have me...and Summershine kept flashing into my mind. Should I do it? Is it over for me? Would I even be able to do it? And as I've contemplated and prayed over this I've had other people speak their own opinions and wisdom into my life, without me really even asking for it, and they gave me the answers I needed. Summershine is a chapter in my life that needs to be closed. Two years ago I had an amazing summer in Williamsburg, VA...this past summer wasn't that great, but it was a chapter in my life and that chapter should end.
So today, as I cleaned out my closet, I came across my KOA shirts and my papers from my first Summershine orientation, and my stuff from this past summer...Magazines from my first summer, a water bottle (that grossly enough still had water in it from my summer two years ago)...and a few other little items...and as I said goodbye Summershine, I said goodbye to these items. I let go.
I also came across other items I've been holding on to...from school, etc...and I threw those things away as well. I can't tell you how many times I had to go to the dumpster today to carry stuff to the trash...it wasn't all KOA stuff, it was stuff that held on to some painful memories...stuff that was enjoyable but pointless also...and as all this stuff went into the dumpster I saw my closet clear out and I felt my heart lighten a little.
Whether I realized it or not, those "things" I was holding on to that I never even looked at still held a burden on my heart.
Throwing them away was good. The memories, like I said, will always stay, but the stuff is gone. I'm letting go. It's a freeing thing :).
Who knew some freedom could come from cleaning?
January 18, 2011
I don't want to let go
I haven't blogged since the beginning of the new year...
A little update:
My Granddaddy had his surgery last Monday and is doing wonderfully. They took out his gallbladder, and the mass was actually a mass of fatty tissue. No kidney problems praise the Lord! He has 22 staples, and is supposed to go back to the Dr this week sometime to have those taken out.
Classes so far are going well. I have 1 on Monday and Wednesday and 1 on Tuesday/Thursday and then 2 online. I actually have 5 classes but Monday/Wednesday is a combined class and practicum.
We got back to school and I, along with a couple other friends, threw my dear friend Josh Pake a going away party. He is such a great guy who has done so much for CCF, and he deserves to know He is appreciated. One thing Josh absolutely loves is his ukulele...so, my friend Ryann and I made him a Ukulele cake for his surprise party =)
The cake was a Devils food cake with vanilla icing. The Ukulele is chocolate frosting as the outline, and a mint fudge oreo cookie as the "hole" in the ukulele...the strings are Twizzlers, and the color of the Ukulele is crushed up butterfinger. I was pretty impressed with our work!
The night of the surprise party Ryann, Wes, and I had Josh meet us for dinner. I took Josh's cake and a picture book over to a friends house, and then about 20 people went to the campus house before us. They all filled out cards to put in his picture book, and after dinner we told Josh we wanted to go play the Wii at the Campus House. We got there and the lights were off and the door was locked, and much to Josh's surprise when Josh unlocked the door there were about 20 people there shouting surprise :). It truly was great, and I know Josh felt appreciated.
A little update:
My Granddaddy had his surgery last Monday and is doing wonderfully. They took out his gallbladder, and the mass was actually a mass of fatty tissue. No kidney problems praise the Lord! He has 22 staples, and is supposed to go back to the Dr this week sometime to have those taken out.
Classes so far are going well. I have 1 on Monday and Wednesday and 1 on Tuesday/Thursday and then 2 online. I actually have 5 classes but Monday/Wednesday is a combined class and practicum.
We got back to school and I, along with a couple other friends, threw my dear friend Josh Pake a going away party. He is such a great guy who has done so much for CCF, and he deserves to know He is appreciated. One thing Josh absolutely loves is his ukulele...so, my friend Ryann and I made him a Ukulele cake for his surprise party =)
The night of the surprise party Ryann, Wes, and I had Josh meet us for dinner. I took Josh's cake and a picture book over to a friends house, and then about 20 people went to the campus house before us. They all filled out cards to put in his picture book, and after dinner we told Josh we wanted to go play the Wii at the Campus House. We got there and the lights were off and the door was locked, and much to Josh's surprise when Josh unlocked the door there were about 20 people there shouting surprise :). It truly was great, and I know Josh felt appreciated.As far as the rest of life goes, God is definitely teaching me to let go of some things. My pride is getting in my way. I want to hold on for dear life to everything I want control over, and he's saying "No my child, let me have it". School, relationships, health...everything. It is hard. He's breaking my pride, and making this stubborn child of His fall to her knees.
I'm excited to see how this semester goes. I'm excited to see where God leads, and to hear how He speaks, regardless of if I want to let go of anything.
January 02, 2011
I'm giving in to something Heavenly
I have never been a fan of New Years eve, or day. To me it's just another day. But it's a day full of resolutions that quickly go down the drain.
Which is why this year, I chose not to make resolutions. I chose to make commitments to my Savior. I chose to make life-change.
2010 was one of the hardest years of my life. Full of a lot of disappointment, but also a lot of reconciliation.
I never get emotional with a new year. Like I said, to me it's just another day...but this New Years Eve, as the clock struck 12 and I sat in a church building listening to people lift up praises to our King, tears started to flow down my face. Not sad tears. Not disappointed tears. Relieved, happy, joyful tears.
I know I was exhausted so that probably had a lot to do with the emotion as well, but I felt relieved to start a new year. I felt relieved to think about all God brought me through in 2010...because He brought me through a lot, and taught me a lot, and He saved me from a lot.
2010 brought sadness, heartache, stress, anger, but it also brought new friendships, redemption, happiness, joy, smiles...it brought every emotion.
I know 2011 won't be perfect. I know there will still be some heartache. I know God will bring me through more...and that's exactly what makes me excited. To know that I can go through things with God.
I am excited to see the new me God is molding. I'm excited to have more accountability time with a close friend and see how God teaches the both of us in the coming months. I am excited to give over my life to God and allow Him FULL control. I'm not going to hold back. Insecurities have flooded me, and insecurities will leave...because God's got me =)
He painted me a picture in Norfolk on New Years eve, to remind me of His glory.
Which is why this year, I chose not to make resolutions. I chose to make commitments to my Savior. I chose to make life-change.
2010 was one of the hardest years of my life. Full of a lot of disappointment, but also a lot of reconciliation.
I never get emotional with a new year. Like I said, to me it's just another day...but this New Years Eve, as the clock struck 12 and I sat in a church building listening to people lift up praises to our King, tears started to flow down my face. Not sad tears. Not disappointed tears. Relieved, happy, joyful tears.
I know I was exhausted so that probably had a lot to do with the emotion as well, but I felt relieved to start a new year. I felt relieved to think about all God brought me through in 2010...because He brought me through a lot, and taught me a lot, and He saved me from a lot.
2010 brought sadness, heartache, stress, anger, but it also brought new friendships, redemption, happiness, joy, smiles...it brought every emotion.
I know 2011 won't be perfect. I know there will still be some heartache. I know God will bring me through more...and that's exactly what makes me excited. To know that I can go through things with God.
I am excited to see the new me God is molding. I'm excited to have more accountability time with a close friend and see how God teaches the both of us in the coming months. I am excited to give over my life to God and allow Him FULL control. I'm not going to hold back. Insecurities have flooded me, and insecurities will leave...because God's got me =)
He painted me a picture in Norfolk on New Years eve, to remind me of His glory.
Happy New Year =)
December 27, 2010
A Christmas to Remember
It's been a crazy Christmas break...but this Christmas was absolutely a blessing.
Two weeks ago today my Granddaddy went to the emergency room with Gall Stones...They sent him home, but by that Wednesday he had a fever of 103, and wasn't getting better.
I came home that Wednesday from school thinking I was done with Greenville for a bit, but that Wednesday evening Granddaddy was admitted into the hospital with a mass on his kidney that they found with a CT scan that night. From Wednesday until this past Thursday I was going back and forth to Greenville.
The mass, they were saying, they thought was cancerous. That is not news anyone wants to hear, especially not right before Christmas.
My Mom became very stressed out, and my Grandma was a little more than helpless. She and my Granddaddy have been Married 58 years (the Tuesday before he went to the hospital was their anniversary) and in those 58 years the most major thing he's had was chopping his finger off about 15 years ago.
He's 78 years old and insanely healthy.
The entire time all of this was going on, I think I was insanely calm. I think my calmness made my family a bit uneasy. I was calm because I knew that worrying would add nothing to the situation except more stress. I know that our God is sovereign, and whatever would be would be.
I know that my Granddaddy has lived a life that will always be remembered by many, and that when God chooses for it to be my Granddaddy's last day my Granddaddy will be rejoicing with His savior with great rewards.
Test after test, night after night, we were simply praying for Granddaddy to be home for Christmas.
Thursday not only did he get to come home, but he came home with news that the mass is not cancerous.
Praise the Lord! We not only got an amazing gift of having him home with us, but knowing that he's cancer free.
He has to go back to the Eurologist this Thursday to figure out what they will do about the mass, and they also want to talk about taking his Gall Bladder out...but things looked up =) and continue to look up.
God is definitely Sovereign and real.
Christmas was amazing. Christmas morning was so much fun as we watched the little ones open their gifts. I really didn't ask for anything this Christmas so whatever I received was fun =)
It was a joyous day and a joyous evening remembering Christ's birth.
Christmas evening my Grandparents came over and Granddaddy read us the Christmas story. I couldn't stop smiling. It was a blessing to have my family together, rejoicing in the truth of my Savior. Whether my whole family believes, or not, I think this Christmas made them believe just a little more.
God is working in my life in some pretty amazing ways. I finished this semester on the Dean's list, which I don't think I deserved...and I'm home enjoying relaxation with books and knitting and rest.
Before coming home I was able to have a night with one of my closest friends. We watched movies and she stayed over and we talked a lot about current things...and I decided to make a change in my life. It seems I have always tried to plan my life, I have always tried to be in control. I have told God he has control but...I've always wanted to hold on a little bit. So the next year of my life (or more) is completely God as he completely purifies me, and makes me His. I want to give everything in my life, in my future, to Him.
And He's already doing a lot. He's teaching me so much...He's already pruning me and cleansing me and really making me see Him for who He is.
He's teaching me patience and He's teaching me what it means to allow Him control of EVERYTHING.
I pray that God teaches me every day something new.
Here's to the future...Here's to NOW...living in the moment with my Savior who is absolutely sovereign and absolutely real.
Merry Christmas all! And Happy New Year when it arrives =)
O and did I mention we woke up yesterday morning to 13 inches of snow?
Two weeks ago today my Granddaddy went to the emergency room with Gall Stones...They sent him home, but by that Wednesday he had a fever of 103, and wasn't getting better.
I came home that Wednesday from school thinking I was done with Greenville for a bit, but that Wednesday evening Granddaddy was admitted into the hospital with a mass on his kidney that they found with a CT scan that night. From Wednesday until this past Thursday I was going back and forth to Greenville.
The mass, they were saying, they thought was cancerous. That is not news anyone wants to hear, especially not right before Christmas.
My Mom became very stressed out, and my Grandma was a little more than helpless. She and my Granddaddy have been Married 58 years (the Tuesday before he went to the hospital was their anniversary) and in those 58 years the most major thing he's had was chopping his finger off about 15 years ago.
He's 78 years old and insanely healthy.
The entire time all of this was going on, I think I was insanely calm. I think my calmness made my family a bit uneasy. I was calm because I knew that worrying would add nothing to the situation except more stress. I know that our God is sovereign, and whatever would be would be.
I know that my Granddaddy has lived a life that will always be remembered by many, and that when God chooses for it to be my Granddaddy's last day my Granddaddy will be rejoicing with His savior with great rewards.
Test after test, night after night, we were simply praying for Granddaddy to be home for Christmas.
Thursday not only did he get to come home, but he came home with news that the mass is not cancerous.
Praise the Lord! We not only got an amazing gift of having him home with us, but knowing that he's cancer free.
He has to go back to the Eurologist this Thursday to figure out what they will do about the mass, and they also want to talk about taking his Gall Bladder out...but things looked up =) and continue to look up.
God is definitely Sovereign and real.
Christmas was amazing. Christmas morning was so much fun as we watched the little ones open their gifts. I really didn't ask for anything this Christmas so whatever I received was fun =)
It was a joyous day and a joyous evening remembering Christ's birth.
Christmas evening my Grandparents came over and Granddaddy read us the Christmas story. I couldn't stop smiling. It was a blessing to have my family together, rejoicing in the truth of my Savior. Whether my whole family believes, or not, I think this Christmas made them believe just a little more.
God is working in my life in some pretty amazing ways. I finished this semester on the Dean's list, which I don't think I deserved...and I'm home enjoying relaxation with books and knitting and rest.
Before coming home I was able to have a night with one of my closest friends. We watched movies and she stayed over and we talked a lot about current things...and I decided to make a change in my life. It seems I have always tried to plan my life, I have always tried to be in control. I have told God he has control but...I've always wanted to hold on a little bit. So the next year of my life (or more) is completely God as he completely purifies me, and makes me His. I want to give everything in my life, in my future, to Him.
And He's already doing a lot. He's teaching me so much...He's already pruning me and cleansing me and really making me see Him for who He is.
He's teaching me patience and He's teaching me what it means to allow Him control of EVERYTHING.
I pray that God teaches me every day something new.
Here's to the future...Here's to NOW...living in the moment with my Savior who is absolutely sovereign and absolutely real.
Merry Christmas all! And Happy New Year when it arrives =)
O and did I mention we woke up yesterday morning to 13 inches of snow?
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